A few weeks ago, I was participating in a fellowship for women and the topic was forgiveness. Before I went, I had a conversation with myself. I told myself not to say anything. I told myself to sit there and listen. But it was hard. And when I opened my mouth to share, I couldn’t hold back the tears.
The truth is… it’s hard for me to talk about forgiveness
It’s hard for me to talk about forgiveness because something happened, almost twenty years ago, that still haunts me. As much as I try to forget, it always resurfaces. It always finds a way to creep back into the crevice of my thoughts. And when it does, I get mad. I get mad at the people who let me down. I get mad at myself for being so young and naïve. And I get mad at God for letting it happen.
The truth is… I’ve held on to these feelings of “unforgiveness” for the last twenty years
And I don’t want to let them go
I don’t want to let them go, because I’ve been taught that nothing is free – everything has A PRICE
And THIS can only be resolved when someone pays the PRICE
The facilitator of the women’s fellowship didn’t let me off the hook. She wouldn’t let me sit with my feelings of “unforgiveness”. She told me to let it go.
But I couldn’t
So, I left the women’s fellowship holding on to my “unforgiveness”
The other day, I was going through some pictures in my garage and came across this picture. A picture of my baptism. I looked at the picture and then put it away. But I couldn’t get it off my mind. Later that day, I was reflecting on my baptism and thinking about the words my pastor said right before my body was immersed in the water. He asked me, “Do you believe in Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ alone for the free pardon of your sins”? And I said, “Yes”.
I thought to myself…How can I believe Jesus died for my sins and still hold myself, other people, and God hostage for the payment
The truth is… I can’t
Jesus already paid the PRICE
The facilitator was right – I need to let it go
So, I release everyone I’m holding hostage. Including myself. Including God
I release everyone who has let me down, broken a promise, violated me with their words or actions, used me, hurt me, or disappointed me
I release myself from the prison of guilt and shame that I’ve lived in for the last twenty years
And I release God from the shackles I’ve “tried” to place on Him in my life
Every time the feeling of “unforgiveness” creeps its way back into my mind, I remind myself that the PRICE has been paid. I don’t have to hold people hostage for things they do to me and I don’t have to hold myself hostage for my failures and shortcomings.
I remind myself…it’s already been PAID
PAID IN FULL
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10, New International Version)