Author: jacksonkarris@gmail.com

There is a room in our house. We originally thought it was a garage, but the floor isn’t strong enough to hold the weight of a car.  Our neighbors told us the previous owner was a painter and he built the room for a place to paint. For thirteen years, this room served as the resting place for everyTHING we didn’t know what to do with.

For the last few months, we’ve been trying to clean out the room. Yes, I did say months. It has been months since we started this journey. Every free moment we get, we are in that room trying to organize all those THINGS.

But it’s been hard. Very hard

And I couldn’t understand why

The other day I was standing in the doorway, looking in the room, and realized I have no idea where all the THINGS came from. I don’t remember who bought them. Who gave them to us. And how they got there.

I haven’t been paying attention to the THINGS being put in the room. And because I haven’t been paying attention, THINGS have been building up. Now there is a pile of THINGS in the room that I never intended to be there.

THINGS that should have been used. Should have been donated. And should have been thrown away

The truth is…I have a pattern of not paying attention to THINGS in my life

And just like the THINGS in that room, they pile up

When I don’t pay attention to the THINGS I eat, my weight piles up

When I don’t pay attention to important relationships in my life, my feelings of disconnection pile up

When I don’t pay attention to my finances, my debt piles up

When I don’t pay attention to the “truths” of God’s word, my  insecurities and doubt pile up

And when I don’t pay attention to my house, the clutter piles up

All the THINGS I don’t paying attention to in my life will eventually pile up and hinder me from living the life God created me to live.

And I want to live the life God created me to live

Dear Lord,

Help me to pay attention to the THINGS happening in my life. Help me to slow down and notice harmful THINGS that are piling up in my life and preventing me from being all you created me to be.

karris

 

For the most part, those few years of my life are a faint memory. A hazy dream. At times, it’s hard to recall what really happened. Over the last twenty years, I’ve buried the memories so deep down inside that they don’t seem real. They’ve been erased. As if they never happened.

As if I was never there. At that church. With those people

But I was there. And it did happen. And as hard as I try to forget. There are remnants. All over my life. I thought I could walk away. But God won’t let me.

He is chasing me. I’m tired of running

And on that day. With my counselor. At the urging of my executive coach. I turned back. And faced it. Faced it all.

I was only twenty-three

I just earned my Master’s Degree

I was an ordained minister

Called to share the gospel

He was the pastor 

He was married

He had children

He was the spiritual leader 

But he pursued me

And I allowed myself to be pursued

He said he loved me

I thought he did

I was young

I was naive

I could not handle it

I cracked

And started to leak

He didn’t like the mess

So he asked me to leave

And he took my license

And I walked away

Away from him

Away from that church

And away from the calling on my life

I repented 

God forgave me

But I didn’t feel forgiven

So I ran

Fast

And put all my effort

Into building a career 

And I pressed on 

As though she never existed

For twenty years

***

God is chasing me

And I can’t forget the girl

God won’t let me

And He reminds me

That She’s Still There

And worth the effort

TO RESCUE

***

And so today

I OWN my story

As an act of STRENGTH

And I move forward

LIVING IN GOD’S GRACE

⁸ Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.⁹ And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast ^[a]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with ^[b]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10 NASB)

Karris 

 

 

She could tell by the look on my face that I was about to cry and it wasn’t going to be a tear or two. It was going to be the UGLY CRY. The kind of cry that once you start, you can’t stop. I was fighting so hard to hold it back, but it was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I didn’t think it would be like this. I was excited when I got the email informing me that I was selected to participate in a national leadership program with a cohort of people from across the country. This program would help me get to the next level in my career. I figured I would take a leadership assessment and then work with an executive coach on the areas where I needed to improve. It was about advancing my career. It wasn’t personal. Or so I thought.

I realized during my first coaching session that it was going to be very different from what I expected. She asked me a lot of questions. Personal questions. Questions about my interests, my habits, my passions, my destiny, and about my faith. I barely made it through the first session. My eyes were filled to the brim with tears and I could hardly contain the pain. It was too personal. But I made it through the first session. I was relieved.

We weren’t far into the second session when I felt the tears coming. I knew she could see what was happening. It was apparent. She had so many questions. She wanted to know so much about me. And then she asked me, “What do you think your purpose is? What do you think you were put on this earth to do?” It happened. The UGLY CRY. The kind of cry that once you start, you can’t stop.

She was professional. She let me cry. Then very politely she said, I’m an executive coach and there are boundaries to the things I can help you with”. She recommended I find a counselor or therapist to help me work through whatever issues I was dealing with. Clearly something was going on with me. And it was much deeper than my DISC Assessment.

At that point in my life, conversations about purpose or calling (as we say in the church) required me to talk about a part of MY STORY (my life) that was buried so deep in my soul that any attempt to resurrect it resulted in great pain and agony. And so, I didn’t. I focused on building my career and completely shut God out of the process. It was easier that way. I didn’t want to talk about what happened to anyone. Not even to God.

I decided to take my coaches suggestion and found a Christian counselor to help me do the work necessary to OWN MY STORY. I’m so glad I did. I learned a lot about myself and about God during the experience.

One of the most important things I learned about God during this period of my life was – HE IS FAITHFUL. Even when I gave up and went in another direction, He was still there – waiting for me. His desire and commitment to see me fulfill my purpose is so strong that he orchestrates moments and events in my life to remind me that the girl I was so many years ago is still there.  He reminds me that OWNING MY STORY (my life) is important and worth the effort of being told.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NASB).

Karris

#shesstillthere #livingingodsgrace #godsgrace